Pushing Daisies

In case you don't live in New York City, and therefore aren't barraged every block with twenty-foot billboards, bus-side advertisements, and pasted posters, there's a new show out called Pushing Daisies. It's on ABC every Wednesday at 8PM. Daisies was created by Bryan Fuller, who was inspired by the cute little French movie Amelie; this is a wonderful thing to hear, unless you're Alessandra Stanley for the New York Times, and somehow sneak a horrible article called "Loner Finds He has a Touch for Piemaking and Undeadmaking" by the editors.

Stanley claims "hordes of viewers" were instantly turned off Daisies because of the French inspiration, which is "insufferabl[e]." Who, Stanley, who are these hordes of people? I have yet to meet one human being who dislikes Amelie in any way - I'm calling you out Stanley, provide the proof your editors are too lazy to ask for!

But Stanley being my new nemesis is besides the point. The point is that this sweet-hearted and artistic TV show, which is seemingly too good for cable, is quite possibly writing itself into a corner. As everyone knows, the only thing lonelier than pie-making is corner-staking.

The major hinge of the show is that Ned, the main character who has the ability to bring the dead back to life (with major caveats, of course), can not touch the love of his life, Chuck (who is, by the way, a girl, just with a boy's name). Why, you ask, when the two are perfectly healthy and consenting adults? Welp, Chuck should be dead. Ned brought her back to life, and one of the caveats of Ned's supernatural abilities is that if he is to touch the dead once, he gives them life, touches them twice, they're dead forever.

Other than creating a constant suspense throughout the show, since Ned and Chuck must be sure not to even brush up against each other, it leaves one to wonder: how far can love go without physical contact?

I'm relieved to know the writers aren't going to use a cheap trick and have Ned and Chuck accidentally bump into each other, therefore throwing all my emotional investment in the show into a stinking gutter. At least not in the first season. I'm also glad this isn't going to be another Jim and Pam (Office) situation, with the whole unrequited love for three fucking seasons. God Ricky Gervais, is my heart just your play thing?

Luckily, these two dig each other. Way big time. But they sleep in separate twin beds like its I Love Lucy and in the first episode, used monkey statues to simulate kissing each other - cuter and not as weird as it actually sounds.

The second episode, which aired last night, is the writer's audition for how they're going tackle this sticky situation (did I mention Chuck likes to make honey?) for at least another 4 episodes. The entire plot seemed to drive (literally) towards one single destination: getting these two suckers into plastic, see-through body bags, so they could kiss without technically touching each other. Watching their lips smooch up against that plastic, the plastic up against one another, was like having my ear licked for the first time.

From what I've seen, the rest of this show's season will have the same major plot (they go around solving murders like a colorful film-noir Scooby-Doo gang), with the secondary plot always being: How much further can these two physically go? What tricks are these writers going to pull out of their magical bag? And what if Chuck dies?

In case the writers are having any difficulty, I've decided to lend them a helping hand:

Full-body condoms - the stretchiness will allow for proper penetration, the latex will prevent any real physical touching. They'll probably having to wear motorcycle bubble helmets as well, to avoid any sort of forehead contact. If they want to get weird and kinky they can pretend they're astronauts doing the freak in zero gravity. The twist to the plot would be the condom breaks, one little sperm gets through, rendering Chuck dead, but leaving a ghost baby - to haunt Ned. For undead child support.

Olive goes on a murdering spree - she goes mad vying for the distant Ned's attention, so she kills Chuck, possibly some hobos. In a Vertigo meets Silence of the Lambs inspired scene, Olive skins Chuck and wears her as a full-body suit, and Ned can pretend like nothing happened, nothing ever happened.

Or
Ned loses his abilities - so he is neither able to bring the dead back to life, nor re-kill Chuck. This is the sweeter ending. No weird shit here.

I'd honestly like to see the writers of this show come up with something better, or even more appropriate. And I want to see some attribution (and monetary retribution) if one of those ideas is used in the season finale, you hear me?